When I moved to the farm in June I did so with the intent of doing some spiritual and mental spring cleaning, certain that the rural environment was going to be perfect for the enlightenment I so desperately sought. What I actually got was a stark reminder that the only place where enlightenment comes in idyllic scenes of perfection and beauty is the movies.
I’ve always known in my heart that if I could just have a small farm I could provide for nearly all of my needs and though I still believe that, it is simply not something that happens because you wish it into being. My move happened on June 1st which is not the ideal time in Alabama to try to prepare an area for gardening that had been untouched for at least several decades prior. The tomatoes, peppers, beans, squash and okra all failed miserably, leaving me with nothing to can for the Winter and precious little to talk about to my gardening readers.
The big fat vegetable failure, coupled with the daily struggles of being a freelance writer worked in tandem to make things financially difficult as Autumn set in and I began to feel sorry for myself, thinking This is not the way it is supposed to be! I’m a damn good writer and an even better gardener!
It was my friend Andrew Odom who helped me to realize just this morning where the real roadblock was. In a blog post he penned on the topic of success, Drew helped to remind me that what I was doing was confusing enlightenment with entitlement. I was feeling entitled to a successful farm because I have the knowledge to make it successful. In other words, the farm was supposed to be a success because people look to me as an expert on the very things that I failed at this year and that just wasn’t fair.
As I write this message I am typing on a computer that I paid more than $1,000 for, sitting at a nice desk I paid good money for. The expensive camera, laptop, color printer, Blackberry, even the overpriced Ott-Lite that are all on my desk all seem to be forgotten when I beat myself up over the money problems I am currently faced with. I’m entitled to all of those things, right?
I’m never again going to have a lot of money. It is likely that every month is going to be a race to see if the paycheck can beat the creditors to my bank account. That doesn’t make me a failure and it doesn’t mean that I don’t work hard.
The harsh reality is that the life and career path I have chosen are uncertain by their very nature and I knew that going in. I often have to work twice as hard at my job for half the money and even though I give 100% at all times, some of the writing I felt would be the most well received is wholly ignored. And you know what? That’s okay!
This morning I rediscovered my path toward enlightenment. It doesn’t mean I’ve attained any great and wonderful state of being, just that I am a little more at peace with the knowledge that making mistakes is not the same as being a failure. As long as I am making mistakes and learning from them, I’m growing. And as long as I’m growing, I’m a success.
